My Wife Is Always Mad At Me - Crucial Things That You Need to Know In Order to Have a Happy Marriage

Are you in a marriage where you're always feeling like my wife is always mad at me?

Well you're certainly not alone.

I actually was in your exact situation but figured out how to deal with the problem and now my marriage is better than ever. Here's what helped my marriage.

My Wife Is Always Mad At Me - Crucial Things That You Need to Know In Order to Have a Happy Marriage

What to Do When You Have to Constantly Say to Your Self "Man, My Wife Is Always Mad at Me"

It's a tough position to be in I know. You feel bad and almost like a failure of a husband because you feel like you can't do anything right. No matter what you do your wife seems mad at you, and it just feels horrible.

But things can be turned around. There is a fix and you can not only return your marriage to where it once was, but actually make it better than ever. Of course some people in this position will simply quit and file for divorce, but that's not the answer to this problem.

First of all we have to figure out why your wife is always mad at you. She may not be very transparent about this actually. A lot of times a wife won't talk about her problems, and actually figure that you'll just know what the problem is. But you and I both know that it's not easy to figure out right?

So you may have to read in between the lines a bit. You may have to do some investigating. Could have been something you said. Could have been something you didn't say. Could have been something you did, or didn't do.

The best way of course is to simply ASK...and then shut up and LISTEN!

Listening is the key! But don't just listen to your wife's words. Listen beyond the words. Listen for clues in her words that explain how she's feeling. That's the key to truly finding out how to solve your problem of "my wife is always mad at me".

Second of all you have to do something else that's going to seem a little bit counterproductive. You're going to have to stop worrying about your wife so much, and start worrying about YOU!

This part is going to take EMPATHY on your part. Meaning that you're going to have to think about your actions and figure out how they've been affecting your wife. Things that you may have been doing out of habit may be having a negative affect, and they may be going unnoticed by even you.

I did this exact thing. I realized that I wasn't spending enough time with my wife. I would come home from work, go sit in front of the TV, eat my dinner in front of the TV, and then when she went to bed I'd stay up and watch TV. So she was actually feeling neglected.

I didn't learn this from my wife, I learned this by doing some assessing of my own behavior and realizing on my own how that must have been making my wife feel.

No wonder I was saying my wife is always mad at me! She was! And that wasn't the end of troubles and problems.

I had also quit doing the things that I used to do "just because" when we first got married. I used to send her flowers to work now and then. Or I would take her out to dinner just because. Little things that showed that I appreciated her weren't being done anymore, and it was actually affecting my marriage negatively. Maybe I should have never started those things LOL. Just kidding...

The thing is that YOU are going to have to figure out what YOU are doing wrong, and then change it. It's really as simple as that. You can change only one thing about your relationship and that's YOU.

If you're saying my wife is always mad at me, then you've got the power to fix it if you're willing to work on YOU a bit.

My Wife Is Always Mad At Me - Crucial Things That You Need to Know In Order to Have a Happy Marriage
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Are you in a marriage where your wife is always mad?

If so then you owe it to yourself to see, beyond what I've just explained, how I was able not to only save my marriage and get my wife to be happy again...but to also get my marriage to a point I never thought it could possibly be by clicking here now!

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How to Cope with a Spouse's Negative Attitude

Is your spouse a negative person? Does he or she consistently zero in on what's wrong with you and the marriage while overlooking the many positives?

If so, it's also quite possible that your spouse is just a negatively-oriented person about most things--work, the marriage, other people, the future, and life in general. Perhaps as time goes by, your spouse is becoming even more negative, critical, and complaining.

When I first talked to "Leigh" (not her real name), she was ready to leave her marriage because of her husband's constant negativity. "Al" was a master at finding fault with Leigh's decisions and suggestions. He had a sharp wit and could deliver zingers without batting an eye.

How to Cope with a Spouse's Negative Attitude

If Leigh suggested a picnic, Al responded with complaints about the perils of fire ants, killer bees, and sudden thunderstorms. Whenever she made a suggestion, Al would discourse on what was wrong with the idea and why it wouldn't work.

If he did agree to go along with one of Leigh's ideas or suggestions, he always expected the worse or talked about the negative aspects. In addition, Al was very critical.

The restaurant they tried was "too expensive," the dinner conversation with friends was "too boring," the movie was "too long," the weekend camping trip was "too much work," a gift from a family member was "stingy," and the people at the church they visited were "hypocrites." His boss is "an idiot," his job "sucks," and his life is "the pits."

Since a negative attitude is highly contagious, it was challenging for Leigh to be around Al and not lose her normally positive orientation. She often felt drained and deflated in spirit after her interactions with Al. When she realized that he was becoming more negative the older he got and that she was starting to resent his attitude, she consulted with me.

Eight Steps to Overcome Negativity

If you're in the same situation--married to a spouse with a negative attitude--I would give you the same recommendations that I gave Leigh. Here's what you can do:

1. Deliberately cultivate friendships with other individuals and couples who have positive attitudes and who are fun to be around. Try to expand you and your spouse's circle of friends to include couples who would be good role models for your mate and spend time with those couples.

Cut back on spending time with friends who encourage your spouse's negative comments and attitude and slowly over time try to add individuals and couples who are strong positive influences.

2. Be sure that you have friends, activities, hobbies, and interests in your life that "feed your soul" and help you stay on a positive track. If things in your marriage aren't what you wish they were, then you need to find satisfaction and joy in other areas to keep you centered and balanced emotionally.

Listen to inspiring songs and read inspirational books. "Feed" yourself a diet of positive messages that encourage and motivate you.

3. Monitor your moods to be sure that you're not getting tangled up in what are commonly called "co-dependency" issues. That's when you let your mood be determined and set by someone else.

An example would be if you were depressed all day because your spouse was in a bad mood at breakfast. Just because he's in a funk doesn't mean that you can't have an enjoyable day. You don't have to let your mate's mood determine your mood or spoil your day.

Don't give away your personal power. Take responsibility for creating your own happiness instead of being so influenced by your spouse's negative attitude.

4. Keep a gratitude journal where you list what you're thankful for each day. Form the habit of sharing with your spouse things that you're thankful for. At dinner, for example, you might talk about how helpful the clerk at the grocery store was or tell about the favor a co-worker did for you that you appreciate.

If you're thankful for seeing a beautiful bird or a lovely flowering tree, share your feelings. If you feel blessed by the kindness of a friend, share that. Even if what you say doesn't impact your mate, you need to hear yourself expressing gratitude and appreciation for the gifts that you've been given. This helps you to keep focused on what's right with your life instead of what's wrong with it.

5. Try not to judge your spouse or make him or her "wrong" for being so negative. There are many factors that can influence a person's attitudes: the attitudes they learned from their parents, their experiences growing up, low self-esteem, intense stress, clinical depression, a habit of negative self-talk, life disappointments and discouragement, and lack of hope.

Sometimes individuals who are negative think they are being "realistic" or helpful by "calling a spade a spade." Others may think they are witty for delivering clever "zingers" and criticisms.

6. Schedule a time to talk to your partner about your concerns. Without sounding judgmental or "preachy," give some specific examples of how her (or his) negativity has impacted you significantly. Perhaps your spouse is not even aware of just how negative she has become, or perhaps she is feeling depressed and needs to talk to her doctor or a counselor.

If your spouse reacts in anger, stay calm and non-defensive. State that you'd rather share your feelings now than have them fester underground and cause even more problems later.

7. If nothing changes after your talk with your spouse, write him (or her) a letter outlining your feelings and concerns about your reactions to his negative attitude. State that you want to look forward to your interactions and time with him, but you're afraid the constant negativity will eventually affect your feelings.

In the letter, tell your spouse how much you value him and your marriage and that you love him deeply. Ask your mate to go to marriage counseling with you so that your marriage will stay strong and satisfying for both of you.

8. If your spouse is not willing to address the problem by talking with you or going to counseling, then make an appointment to see a counselor by yourself. You'll need support and help in determining just what the next step needs to be--trying again to communicate verbally or in writing, or trying to adjust and live with things as they are, or in an extreme case, considering a temporary marital separation.

You'll need a deep commitment to staying positive and upbeat to be able to withstand the strong negativity in your marriage relationship. The encouraging news, however, is that according to Robert H. Schuller, "It takes but one positive thought when given a chance to survive and thrive to overpower an entire army of negative thoughts."

How to Cope with a Spouse's Negative Attitude
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Nancy J. Wasson, Ph.D., is co-creator of Overcome Control Conflict with Your Spouse or Partner, available at http://www.ControllingSpouse.com She is also co-author of Keep Your Marriage: What to Do When Your Spouse Says "I don't love you anymore!" which is available at http://www.KeepYourMarriage.com, as well as a free weekly Keep Your Marriage Internet Magazine . Dr. Wasson offers telephone and email coaching to individuals and couples who want to overcome relationship problems and create a rewarding, loving partnership.

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Where Did the Idea of Marriage Come From?

A white wedding in a church with a horse and carriage may be every young woman's dream, however the concept of marriage as a union between a man and woman (and sometimes between men and women - note the plural) has its roots several thousand years before Christianity. Marriage is also a universal concept which has developed in numerous cultures around the world even though they have not had direct contact with each other.

So how has the idea of a man and woman setting up a union come about?

First off, where did the word marriage come from? Well "marriage" first originated in the English language in the mid-13th Century, and came from the Old French "marier" but, the French themselves had stolen it from the Romans - "maritare" being Latin for "to marry".

Where Did the Idea of Marriage Come From?

The oldest written reference to the institution of marriage comes from Hammurabi's Code of Ancient Mesopotamia (broadly covering modern day Iraq), and where the first permanent cities were established. This takes us back to around 1800 B.C., almost 4,000 years ago, however the custom of marriage certainly pre-dates even this.

Marriage came to Europe via the Ancient Greeks, but there were no set rules or procedures to be followed to create a lawful union. All that was required was mutual consent of bride and groom and that both acknowledged each other as their respective spouse. It is from the Spartans (of the 300 fame) who started the European tradition for men to marry in their 30's and women as early as possible. The logic was that the men would have completed (and survived) military service (and this was a time when living to your 40's was considered to be "old age"), while for women, if you wanted a virgin when you married it was considered best to marry a woman as young as possible.

More importantly, the Ancient Greeks also set the very clear pattern of marrying for position, wealth and power. The idea you married because you loved someone was irrelevant - sentimentality or feelings did not come into what was a commercial transaction between families looking to advance or protect their own positions. Upon becoming a wife, a Greek woman lost practicality all of her rights which has taken over 2,000 years to reverse (and is still continuing in most parts of the world today).

The neighboring Romans adopted the custom from the Greeks, though they added a further layer of legality and ceremony to the concept. There were several different forms of marriage in the Roman Empire and which version was used depended on whether the woman was to join her husband's family or remain associated with her own. A "free" marriage allowed the wife to own her own property and retain her own family's name, but more importantly, she (and her original family) kept any property she owned or inherited within her own family. It was more traditional for a woman to be simply "transferred" to her husband and his family; the wife lost her right to inherit property from her old family and found herself under the total authority of her husband and his family.

Christianity arose out of the ashes of the Roman Empire, however it was not until this radical, new religion was over 100 years old that the idea of a religious implication was developed in connection with marriage. Until then, and for a long time afterwards, Christians married in much the same way as everyone else - a family arrangement, usually negotiated without any pretense of emotion or love between the parties. As Christianity gained traction in the Roman Empire, it became clear that this "moral" religion should take a stand that marriage should bein accordance with the laws of God and not simply an expedient business deal.

By the 12th Century, it had become compulsory for wives to take their husband's surname and additional layers of legality and ceremony were added. By the mid-16th Century, the bride and groom had to have the consent of a number of people to get married - usually their parents and the Church, but if you were a noble or a landowner, you may have needed the permission of the King! The Church's permission was integrated into the ritual because it opposed the formation of marriages by children, sometimes even babies, by their families. We ought to thank the Church for the fact that free-will became an established feature of modern Western marriage. Before the Church, you married who your parents or patriarch told you to marry!

Where Did the Idea of Marriage Come From?
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The Four Horsemen of Marital Apocalypse

Stop to consider your last fight with your spouse. The exact subject may escape you at the moment. We understand. After a while, the spats - over bills, your job, in-laws or the dishes still in the sink - can all blur together. But contrary to popular belief, it's not the amount of conflict in your marriage or what you argue about that determines your relationship's survival rate. to marriage researchers, how a couple fights tends to be the best predicator of whether they'll end up enjoying their golden years together or battling it out in divorce court. So learning to fight less may not be quite as important as learning to fight fair.

Four Deadly Sins of Marriage

Dr. John Gottman of University of Washington, one of the foremost marriage researchers, claims he can predict with 90 percent accuracy if a couple will divorce. In his storied "love lab," Gottman studies how couples interact, particularly how they communicate with each other in heated moments. After 30 years of research, he has pinpointed four behaviors that seem to invariably spell disaster in any marriage. He ominously refers to them as "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse." Every couple needs to be vigilant and ensure none of the four gallop into their marriage and wreak irreversible havoc.

The Four Horsemen of Marital Apocalypse

Horseman #1: Criticism

The most common horseman that emerges in long-term relationships is criticism. Frustrations, annoyances and resentment inevitably build up when couples live together - day in and day out. And criticism can be how these emotions manifest in the heat of an argument.

Note that criticism differs from complaining. Criticism focuses on the person. Complaining focuses on the behavior. This may seem like subtle nuance but research shows it is a distinction that makes a significant difference in the long term. For example, this is a critical statement: "You always drive around in circles. You are an awful driver with a terrible sense of direction." These words are dripping with blame and accusation. They are a personal attack.

Unlike criticism, complaining has more to do with how the other person's behavior makes you feel. Complaining usually begins with an "I" instead of "you": "I get so frustrated when you are driving and don't know where you are going." See the difference? The second statement is a negative comment about something you wish were otherwise. So though "I" statements can seem awkward, they really help keep the carnage manageable during explosive moments.

Horseman #2: Contempt

You're an idiot. You can't do anything right. You make me sick. These contemptuous words have no place in any relationship you value. They are meant to explicitly humiliate or wound. They are toxic and indefensible. Period.

Contempt includes but is not limited to name-calling, hostility and sarcasm. Keep in mind that contempt can also be conveyed non-verbally. An excessively harsh tone or disgusted eye roll can escalate your garden-variety argument into WWIII in the blink of an eye. Avoid contempt in your arguments at all cost. It is the basest, most childish tactic to resort to in a fight. Strive to respect your wife even when you disagree or feel upset with her. Contempt is like a poison. It will single-handedly erode intimacy. It destroys a sense of security and mutual respect. It does real damage because it makes a partner feel belittled and unloved.

Horseman #3: Defensiveness

Criticism+Contempt=Defensiveness. Defensive statements become practically an involuntary reflex in homes where contempt and criticism are regular visitors. It is understandable. After all, who wouldn't put up their guard in response to an accusatory, belittling spouse? Defensiveness is fundamentally a self-preserving tactic.

As understandable as this response can be, it is still hugely destructive. It builds walls. Rather than allow room for connectedness, the foundation for conflict resolution, it tends to breed emotional distance. Defensiveness blocks healing and forgiveness.

Horseman #4: Stonewalling

Because stonewalling is not explicitly aggressive, couples often underestimate its destructive potential. But it can be just as devastating to a relationship in its passiveness. It is, in effect, giving up. It is withdrawing emotionally. It is essentially closing the door to a resolution.

Stonewallers withdraw partly because they can feel overwhelmed with emotion. They may keep their faces expressionless, avoid eye contact, hold their posture rigid, avoid any signs of listening such as nodding or encouraging sounds. They radiate icy distance and disapproval to their partners.

The Secret to Fighting Fair

Now that you know the four horsemen, make a conscious effort to keep them in the stable before they trample your marriage. One of the best ways to do this is to make "repair attempts" during your next argument. According to Gottman, repair attempts are any words or actions that prevent a conflict from escalating out of control. As simple as it sounds, repair attempts keep a marriage from becoming negative, hostile and distant.

Repair attempts can be as basic as changing the topic, giving a compliment, apologizing or saying, "I've been cranky all day, can we start over?" It can be as simple as saying, "Don't worry, we'll get through this" or cracking a joke to diffuse tension. Research even shows couples who touch during arguments also tend to show higher relationship satisfaction. Do whatever works for you when conflict rears its ugly head.

Remember, the more entrenched the negative patterns of behavior in your marriage become, the more difficult it becomes to break them. Don't become a victim of these negative cycles. When two mature people can take ownership and be flexible, they will keep their marriage strong even though they may not always agree. As a Scottish proverb says, "Better bend than break."

The Four Horsemen of Marital Apocalypse
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About eHarmony Marriage
eHarmony Marriage is a new, online alternative to marriage counseling. It's a private, personalized program that is designed to help you enjoy a stronger, happier and healthier relationship. We use your answers to our marriage questionnaire to focus on your areas of greatest need. When you visit eHarmony Marriage and take our questionnaire you'll receive a FREE Marriage Action Plan to show exactly how we can help you. http://marriage.eHarmony.com

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Unhappy Marriage: Should You Stay or Leave?

There's no one simple answer to the question that I'm often asked, "Should I stay in my marriage, even though I'm unhappy, or should I leave?" It's impossible to give a "one size fits all" response because every marriage is different.

But there are some general guidelines that you can consider if you're in this situation. Use these thirteen tips to reflect on your marriage, your energy level, your commitment, and the degree of your dissatisfaction.

1. Don't give up prematurely. You have invested time, energy, money, hopes and dreams in your marriage. The only way many people can initiate divorce without feeling unduly guilty is to know that they have tried everything they possibly could to make the marriage better. It just makes good sense to focus on how you can improve the relationship you're in now.

Unhappy Marriage: Should You Stay or Leave?

2. Consider your children and how a divorce could impact them. Divorce is never easy. Preschool children and kids who are still in school will be affected in ways grown children are not, such as possible changes in schools if a parent moves, a parent possibly having to work two jobs to make it financially, the loss of daily contact with both parents, etc.

3. If your spouse has an addiction or is abusive, utilize all resources and support groups that offer help. For example, If your spouse is an alcoholic, join Al-Anon, which provides support for family members, and get your teenage children involved in Alateen so they can get the support they need to deal with the home situation. Of course, a top priority is keeping your children safe, so do not keep them in any situation that is dangerous for them.

4. Focus on how you can change yourself to be a better partner instead of how you want to "fix" your spouse. When you work on improving yourself and changing non-productive habits and approaches, then your spouse will have to relate to you differently. You may have gotten in a habitual mode of pushing each other's buttons in the same way and always eliciting the same response. But if you change your normal response, then the interaction between the two of you will change.

5. Have on-going support from a counselor who knows your issues and what you are going through. This will give you the help and encouragement you need to keep trying new things and experimenting with new approaches.

6. Encourage your spouse to consider marriage counseling. If finances are a problem, call your local Chamber of Commerce or the mayor's office and ask which agencies in your community offer sliding scale fees based on income. Also, some churches offer counseling services, and some ministers provide counseling. Don't automatically assume that you can't afford counseling.

7. Examine whether or not you are depending too much on your spouse to meet your needs or "make you happy." No one else can make you happy; it's an inside job. And no one person can meet all the needs of another. That's why you need friends, hobbies, and outside activities. Expand your world and see if this takes some of the pressure off of your marriage.

8. Keep a gratitude journal each day, listing all of the things you are thankful for in your life. Each day, try to find five or six new things to list that you haven't written down before. During the day, notice what happens that's a blessing: the friendly sales clerk who efficiently handles your refund with a smile, the parking space that suddenly opens up just when you need it, or an unexpected compliment from a co-worker.

9. Make a list of your spouse's positive qualities and contributions to your marriage, including things he or she has done that you appreciate. Read over this list every morning and every evening, anchoring these good points in your mind. At some point, share your list with your spouse.

10. Make a consistent effort to be positive and encouraging. Sandwich any criticism or request for a change in behavior between two compliments. For example, "You're always so responsible about mowing the yard each weekend. Could you also sweep the grass clippings off the sidewalk? Thanks for all you do to help keep the yard looking so good."

11. Work on keeping your heart open in love to your spouse. It's easy to close down emotionally when you're angry or hurt. Visualize beams of love or golden light radiating out from your heart to your spouse's heart. You can dislike the behavior but still love the person. When you send the energy of judgment and criticism to another, the response will be very different than when you send the energy of unconditional love.

12. Try writing your thoughts, feelings, and requests in a letter to your spouse. There are many spouses who have responded positively to a letter who have been notorious for tuning out the spouse's verbal pleas for years. It's a different medium of communication, and it often commands more attention.

13. When you have given your marriage your best efforts for at least a year and nothing has changed, then ask yourself the famous Ann Landers question, "Are you better off with him (or her) or without him?" Life is too short to stay stuck in a miserable marriage for years if you are the only one who wants your relationship to be different. Even at this point, though, sometimes the shock of having a spouse initiate a legal separation makes the other partner finally realize the seriousness of the situation and agree to work on the marriage.

Unhappy Marriage: Should You Stay or Leave?
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Nancy J. Wasson, Ph.D., is co-author of Keep Your Marriage: What to Do When Your Spouse Says "I don't love you anymore!" This is available at http://www.KeepYourMarriage.com, where you can also sign up for the free weekly Keep Your Marriage Internet Magazine to get ideas and support for improving your marriage.

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