How to Cope with a Spouse's Negative Attitude

Is your spouse a negative person? Does he or she consistently zero in on what's wrong with you and the marriage while overlooking the many positives?

If so, it's also quite possible that your spouse is just a negatively-oriented person about most things--work, the marriage, other people, the future, and life in general. Perhaps as time goes by, your spouse is becoming even more negative, critical, and complaining.

When I first talked to "Leigh" (not her real name), she was ready to leave her marriage because of her husband's constant negativity. "Al" was a master at finding fault with Leigh's decisions and suggestions. He had a sharp wit and could deliver zingers without batting an eye.

How to Cope with a Spouse's Negative Attitude

If Leigh suggested a picnic, Al responded with complaints about the perils of fire ants, killer bees, and sudden thunderstorms. Whenever she made a suggestion, Al would discourse on what was wrong with the idea and why it wouldn't work.

If he did agree to go along with one of Leigh's ideas or suggestions, he always expected the worse or talked about the negative aspects. In addition, Al was very critical.

The restaurant they tried was "too expensive," the dinner conversation with friends was "too boring," the movie was "too long," the weekend camping trip was "too much work," a gift from a family member was "stingy," and the people at the church they visited were "hypocrites." His boss is "an idiot," his job "sucks," and his life is "the pits."

Since a negative attitude is highly contagious, it was challenging for Leigh to be around Al and not lose her normally positive orientation. She often felt drained and deflated in spirit after her interactions with Al. When she realized that he was becoming more negative the older he got and that she was starting to resent his attitude, she consulted with me.

Eight Steps to Overcome Negativity

If you're in the same situation--married to a spouse with a negative attitude--I would give you the same recommendations that I gave Leigh. Here's what you can do:

1. Deliberately cultivate friendships with other individuals and couples who have positive attitudes and who are fun to be around. Try to expand you and your spouse's circle of friends to include couples who would be good role models for your mate and spend time with those couples.

Cut back on spending time with friends who encourage your spouse's negative comments and attitude and slowly over time try to add individuals and couples who are strong positive influences.

2. Be sure that you have friends, activities, hobbies, and interests in your life that "feed your soul" and help you stay on a positive track. If things in your marriage aren't what you wish they were, then you need to find satisfaction and joy in other areas to keep you centered and balanced emotionally.

Listen to inspiring songs and read inspirational books. "Feed" yourself a diet of positive messages that encourage and motivate you.

3. Monitor your moods to be sure that you're not getting tangled up in what are commonly called "co-dependency" issues. That's when you let your mood be determined and set by someone else.

An example would be if you were depressed all day because your spouse was in a bad mood at breakfast. Just because he's in a funk doesn't mean that you can't have an enjoyable day. You don't have to let your mate's mood determine your mood or spoil your day.

Don't give away your personal power. Take responsibility for creating your own happiness instead of being so influenced by your spouse's negative attitude.

4. Keep a gratitude journal where you list what you're thankful for each day. Form the habit of sharing with your spouse things that you're thankful for. At dinner, for example, you might talk about how helpful the clerk at the grocery store was or tell about the favor a co-worker did for you that you appreciate.

If you're thankful for seeing a beautiful bird or a lovely flowering tree, share your feelings. If you feel blessed by the kindness of a friend, share that. Even if what you say doesn't impact your mate, you need to hear yourself expressing gratitude and appreciation for the gifts that you've been given. This helps you to keep focused on what's right with your life instead of what's wrong with it.

5. Try not to judge your spouse or make him or her "wrong" for being so negative. There are many factors that can influence a person's attitudes: the attitudes they learned from their parents, their experiences growing up, low self-esteem, intense stress, clinical depression, a habit of negative self-talk, life disappointments and discouragement, and lack of hope.

Sometimes individuals who are negative think they are being "realistic" or helpful by "calling a spade a spade." Others may think they are witty for delivering clever "zingers" and criticisms.

6. Schedule a time to talk to your partner about your concerns. Without sounding judgmental or "preachy," give some specific examples of how her (or his) negativity has impacted you significantly. Perhaps your spouse is not even aware of just how negative she has become, or perhaps she is feeling depressed and needs to talk to her doctor or a counselor.

If your spouse reacts in anger, stay calm and non-defensive. State that you'd rather share your feelings now than have them fester underground and cause even more problems later.

7. If nothing changes after your talk with your spouse, write him (or her) a letter outlining your feelings and concerns about your reactions to his negative attitude. State that you want to look forward to your interactions and time with him, but you're afraid the constant negativity will eventually affect your feelings.

In the letter, tell your spouse how much you value him and your marriage and that you love him deeply. Ask your mate to go to marriage counseling with you so that your marriage will stay strong and satisfying for both of you.

8. If your spouse is not willing to address the problem by talking with you or going to counseling, then make an appointment to see a counselor by yourself. You'll need support and help in determining just what the next step needs to be--trying again to communicate verbally or in writing, or trying to adjust and live with things as they are, or in an extreme case, considering a temporary marital separation.

You'll need a deep commitment to staying positive and upbeat to be able to withstand the strong negativity in your marriage relationship. The encouraging news, however, is that according to Robert H. Schuller, "It takes but one positive thought when given a chance to survive and thrive to overpower an entire army of negative thoughts."

How to Cope with a Spouse's Negative Attitude
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Nancy J. Wasson, Ph.D., is co-creator of Overcome Control Conflict with Your Spouse or Partner, available at http://www.ControllingSpouse.com She is also co-author of Keep Your Marriage: What to Do When Your Spouse Says "I don't love you anymore!" which is available at http://www.KeepYourMarriage.com, as well as a free weekly Keep Your Marriage Internet Magazine . Dr. Wasson offers telephone and email coaching to individuals and couples who want to overcome relationship problems and create a rewarding, loving partnership.

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"My Wife is Always Angry at Me!" Here's the Secret of Your Wife's Anger (And What to Do About It)

As a marriage counselor in Kansas City, I've learned there isn't much in a married man's life that bothers him more than when his wife is angry with him. Most men won't admit it, but at the bottom of that frustration is fear. The fear comes from feeling helpless to make his wife happy again.

What makes matters worse, in many cases, whatever the husband does makes his wife even more angry. That kind of escalating negative spiral into unhappiness leaves a husband feeling alone and like giving up. Married men, take hope. I'm about to tell you the secret behind your wife's anger and what to do about it.

But, first I need to clarify a myth that destroys more marriage than I can tell you.

"My Wife is Always Angry at Me!" Here's the Secret of Your Wife's Anger (And What to Do About It)

The myth is this: you are not the one to make your wife happy. Your wife is. No person's happiness is another person's responsibility. Oh, of course, things we do with our spouses are used by them to make themselves happy or unhappy. If you can become aware of some of those things and can avoid them, then it does make it easier for your spouse to make themselves happy. But that's simply an act of courtesy and consideration (a hallmark of successful marriages). It is not a causal act that magically makes your wife happy. You can help, but ultimately, she's the only one who can make herself happy. And that goes for you as well, husband.

Now for the secret. With most couples I have worked with where the wife is perpetually angry at the husband (and he is not doing the obvious things that upsets a wife i.e. affairs, drinking too much etc.), at the bottom of it we find a wife drowning in loneliness. Maybe that's hard to believe because her anger gets the opposite from her husband. However, she wants and needs more emotional intimacy and the husband, for whatever reason, is not providing it.

Some of those reasons include socialization and genetics. Most husbands are not nearly as attuned to emotional realities as their wives. Women in this culture are encouraged to use their intuition and develop their emotional prowess. Men are encouraged to be busy with physical accomplishments and managing literal things. As you can see, this leads to huge misunderstandings in a marriage.

If your wife is angry with you on a regular basis, I will agree with you husband, that does not feel to you like an invitation to intimacy. However, odds are, that's what she wants. I'm not talking about physical intimacy. I'm talking about emotional intimacy.

Try this magic: the next time your wife's anger hits you like a snow blizzard blowing out of Montana, take her by the hand, sit down with her, look her in the eyes and tell her you love her. Then, ask her to tell you what is bothering her and guarantee her that no matter what it is or how angry she gets, you're going to sit there and take it all in. Resolve to listen to whatever your wife has to say to you, no matter what.

Do not get up and go away in your own anger. Do not defend yourself. Do not explain yourself. Do not attack her or rebut her. All you have to do is be present, continue eye contact, and listen.

When she's finished, simply say this, "Thank you, sweetheart, for telling me what is in the depths of your heart. I relish and appreciate openness and emotional intimacy with you. I'm not very good at it, but I intend to get better. In the meantime, if I were in your shoes, I'd feel the same way you do. You have good reasons to be angry."

"My Wife is Always Angry at Me!" Here's the Secret of Your Wife's Anger (And What to Do About It)
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That's all you need to say, except perhaps to ask her if there's more she wants to say. If there is, again you listen attentively, with solid eye contact, taking it all in gratefully. What your wife is doing with you, even though it may feel negative, is called emotional closeness. That is the essence of successful marriage.

After a couple begins to renew emotional intimacy and closeness, they may need the help of a competent marriage counselor to problem solve issues. Call me, Paul W. Anderson, Ph.D. at 913-901-9110 and I will help.

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Signs of a Bad Marriage - 5 Warning Signs of a Bad Marriage You Must Look Out For

It's not difficult to spot the signs of a bad marriage. Like most things in life, it can be easy to identify them in other people, but always hard when you are looking in the mirror.

And yet, more than most other things, it's critically important you know how to look out for signs that your marriage is turning sour. Marriage is potentially the most important decision you can make in life. With almost half the marriages today ending up in divorce, this could well happen to you too.

What are the signs of a bad marriage then? Here are 5 common ones.

Signs of a Bad Marriage - 5 Warning Signs of a Bad Marriage You Must Look Out For

1. You and your spouse hardly talk anymore

Probably the first sign of things going bad. Couples need to talk, share, discuss, even argue. If you find that you hardly ever talk anymore, you can bet the cracks are forming.

2. You do everything separately

While there's something to be said for individual interests, the couple that does everything separately will soon start to lead separate lives. Smart couples cultivate common interests. Smarter ones even take an interest in what the other person does.

3. Something else, someone else becomes more important

Whether it's children, work, your boss, your parents, once your priority is no longer your spouse, the alarm bells should be going off. If you want your marriage to work, you're going to have to make your spouse the key element in your life, your best friend, your confidante, your source.

4. You start to think for yourself more than for your spouse

Selfishness is probably one of the strongest signs that a marriage is going downhill. When you think "me, me, me" almost all the time, it's a sure sign that your love is fading. As simplistic as it sounds, when you love someone, you tend to think for his or her happiness first. No marriage can last if the two people are constantly looking out for themselves only.

5. The sex is gone

While some people will tell you that you can have a marriage without sex, it's not a healthy situation. Among all the signs of a bad marriage, this is a big one. Being intimate draws you close, bonds you. Not to mention the fact that temptation is always around the corner!

Signs of a Bad Marriage - 5 Warning Signs of a Bad Marriage You Must Look Out For
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For more great advice on how to save your marriage and stop divorce, go to http://www.SaveMarriageStopDivorce.net to learn...

8 ways to prevent divorce The 5 things you must say to stop a divorce Crucial signs of a troubled marriage Where to get help for marriage problems 5 tips on saving a marriage, and much much more...

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